Cast
-Kevin
-DanFan
-Weasley
-Azkaban
-Lily
-Vagrant
-Victoria
-Bella
-Skrewt
-Amazing
-Lakeisha
-Big G 
-Jester

 

 

 

                   Mugglenet Chat, the fanfiction
                                                by Kevin

 

                                    [based on a true story]

 

    Kevin Walked up the marble stairs of Hogwarts, and paused before the large oak doors. It was the first day of term, and Kevin had missed the Hogwarts Express train.
    "Bloody traffic," he muttered. He eased open the doors and walked into the hall. Kevin looked around and was immediately confronted by a girl. She looked at him in the eyes critically and clucked her cheek.
    "American," she sighed after a few seconds.
     Wondering what that was all about, he continued on into the great hall. The noise was deafening. The students, it seemed has already been sorted and had eaten through most of the feast, and had started in on dessert. Mountains of cake and puddings were stacked on the tables, thinking he might still get something he hurried toward the nearest table, but was halted when a black robed figure stepped in his way.
    "Where do you think you're going?!" Snape growled.
    Kevin pointed to the nearest table, "pudding," he said innocently.
    "That is the Ravenclaw table!" sneered Snape, "your table is over there." He pointed to the farthest table.
    "But that's the . . . ," Kevin began.
    "Yes, the Hufflepuff table," Snape said as if daring him to complain.
    "Maybe, maybe, I should try on the sorting hat first?" Kevin said in what he thought was a charming, and disarming tone.
    "You're late, Hufflepuff!" Snape roared.

 

                                ***

 

    "...So I says to my first husband, I says, if you want to spend all your time polishing that broom stick, and going to auto-broom shows, that's just fine!"
    Kevin looked at the speaker across from him at the Hufflepuff table. She was a young woman of middling height speaking to another girl he new as DanFan.
    "Of course, I felt almost bad about divorcing him, seeing as how he was the father of three of my children," she continued. DanFan nodded indulgently.
    "Children?" Kevin said curiously.
    "Oh, no, no, all three died in childhood, plague got em, it did."
    "I'm sor-," Kevin said taken aback, then stopped and blurted out, "what did you say your name was?"
    "Why Weasley, of course."
    "You've been married?"
    "Twice."
    "I suppose that's why your in Hufflepuff."
     Ernie Macmillan turned around, "could you stop with the Hufflepuff jokes already, we get it!"
   

 

                      ***  

 

Mean while at the cool table . . .

 

    Laughter rang out at the Gryffindor table.
    "Vagrant, that is sooo funny!" Bella squealed.
    "Yes, vagrant, that is rather charming," Lavender Brown smiled at him.
    "I do try," Vagrant said with a grin. Parvati Patil reached over and caressed Vagrant's devil beard. Bella looked daggers at her.
    "I like coffee, and bond," said victoria.
    Vagrant blinked, "what?"
    A few seats down two people were deep in conversation. "Of course, that's just small potatoes, some day I dream of bigger things," Azkaban said impressively.
    Lily looked deep into his eyes, "what sorts of the things?" she whispered.
    "A post office," Azkaban said with building excitement in his voice, to utters of glee from Lily. "A stadium," said Azkaban delicately, his voice trailing off.
    "You're going to burn all that!"
    "Mayhaps, mayhaps . . . " 
    Amazing could be heard in the background, "tatters, precious, what's tatters, aye?"

 

                  ***
    Jester and Big G were standing together in the entrance hall next to the main doors.
   "I'm shipping out tonight, I'm going to Nam," Jester said his voice thick with emotion.   
    "Nam?" Big G said.
    "Well, no, not Nam itself, but a place like Nam."
    "Oh," Big G reached out and trapped jester's right hand. "When are you coming back?" she demanded.
    "Never," jester reached into his pocket and handed Big G a picture of himself. With that he walked out the door, leaving Big G standing alone, his picture grasped tightly in her hands.

 

                        ***

 

    The next morning Kevin woke up early for the start of the term and walked down to breakfast. A small crowd was standing in front of the doors to the great hall. A notice had been put up.
    "What does it say, Ron?" Hermione asked.
    Ron being the tallest, read out loud, "A Ball will be held at the end of the month to celebrate the new term."
    "Oooh, Harry, a ball, did you hear?" Hermione said excitedly.
    "Yeah, I heard," Harry answered her.
    Kevin looked around and spied a girl peering around at the group, he recognized her as the girl who cornered him in the Entrance Hall the day before, "no, all British" she muttered. Then with that, she turned around and walked away. Kevin, distracted by this mysterious girl, was brought back to the moment by a gruff voice.
    "Move out of my way, chump," Ron told Kevin as he pushed his way past followed by Hermione, and Harry.
    Weasley spoke on Kevin's left, "Isn't he dreamy?" she whispered in his ear.
    "Oh, didn't see you there, Weasley," Kevin turned to face her, "we both have flying lessons next."

 

                ***   

 

    Kevin picked up his broomstick from off the ground.
    DanFan reached over and spread his fingers correcting his grip, "that's how you hold a broom, don't you fly?"
    "No, we don't have broomsticks where I come from."
    "Where do you come from?" Weasley asked.
    "Vermont," Kevin replied in a slightly defensive tone.     
    "What do ‘vermontians' ride?"
    "Mules . . . "
    "Silence!" came the voice of Madam Hooch, "first lets practice take offs and landings, there is no need to go higher than a few feet off the ground. Madam Hooch looked around at the students attempting take offs. Neville was staring nervously at his broom. Madam Hooch walked over to him, "Lets see it then . . . "
    Snape could be seen in the distance, he had just emerged from the castle.
    "Snape," Weasley said to Kevin, and DanFan, "I'm doing really badly in potions, I'm going to go talk to him" Weasley started walking over. Kevin saw Weasley stroking Snape's hair, "how silky smooth . . . ," her voice reached his ears distantly.
    "You know Ron," DanFan said abruptly to Kevin, it wasn't a question.
    "Do I?"
    "Yes, I saw you speaking to Ron in the great hall"
    "I suppose I was"
    "He's Harry Potter's best friend," DanFan grinned far from modestly.
    Kevin smiled, understanding DanFan's unsaid thoughts, "I doubt I could do anything for you."
    "Yes you could, just put in a good word for me with Ron"
    Weasley had returned, "Ron, you know Ron?"
    The conversation was suddenly interrupted by Neville falling off his broom and crashing to the ground. DanFan Smiled amiably at him, Neville blushed and looked away.

 

              ***

 

    The sound of giggling came from the girl's dormitory in Gryffindor Tower later that night.
    "Sooo," Lavender said scandalously, "who do you all want to go to the ball with?"
    Bella blushed, Lily laughed.
    "Well, I know whom I want to go to the ball with, Azkaban," she said.
    "Vagrant seems like a nice fellow," Parvati said, "I bet he asks me."
    "How do you know he likes you?" Bella demanded.
    "Oh, I can tell."
    "You are all such children," Lily said condescendingly, "what me and Azkaban have is special, he's the man I want to marry."
    "Parvati?" Bella said turning to her, "Aren't you with that Potter guy?"
    "No, no, I was only with him for an evening," Parvati answered, "I'm free for vagrant."
    "Cough*Tramp*Cough," bella said feigning a bad cough.
    Amazing stepped out of the shadows and handed bella a cough drop, and then turned to Lily, "I know where you can get a cheap engagement ring."
    "Oooh," Lily bent her head in close to Amazing, "tell me."            
   

 

                    ***
    A cloaked figure could be seen creeping in the night toward the village of Hogsmead, it was well after dark. Apparently keen to escape detection the figure walked swiftly and silently through the gates. All the respectable shops had long since closed, the shopkeepers gone home. The veiled figure stopped and looked around, no one was in sight they took out a crumpled up piece of parchment on which were written directions. The shrouded figure, returned the parchment to their pocket, and hurried up the street. They started slowing down when they neared the edges of the village limits, the houses surrounding them were in varying conditions of shabbiness, and off in the distance could be heard a noise that might have been a gun shot. The figure lowered its hood, to reveal Lily's face.
    "This must be it," she muttered, "But I don't see a ring store."
    A voice caused Lily to turn around, "What you doing in the hood, G?"
    Lily looked the young girl in the face, "Lakeisha?"
    "What do you need, rings? I got all the rings you need!" Lakeisha said in her harsh ghetto accent.
    "Well, yes," Lily admitted after a few seconds pause, "but, is it just me, or is this not a ring store?"
    "This isn't the kind of business we want to be doing in front of everyone, you know?" she reached into her jacket and pulled out a diamond engagement ring, "50!"
    "50?" Lily said, startled by the low price, "Is it fake, or just stolen?"
    "What are you, a cop?" demanded Lakeisha.
    "I don't care if it's stolen, just if it's fake"
    "Take it, or leave it."
    "Fine," Lily handed Lakeisha 50 gold coins.
    "Check it!" Lakeisha yelled as she ran back off into the night.

 

                    ***
    It was the day of the big Quidditch match, Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff. Kevin was sitting in the raised seats watching the Hufflepuff team walk out onto the field.
    "Gah, look at those losers, we don't stand a chance."
    Ernie was seated right next to him, "Kevin, man, I'm warning you, one more wise crack!"
    Across the isle Kevin could see the Gryffindor cheering section, it had just erupted in noise as the Gryffindor team walked out onto the Quidditch pitch. All were yelling with delight except for one person. Kevin's perceptive eye was immediately drawn to her. Big G was sitting, staring at a photograph in her lap.
    When he next looked back up the game had already begun, he was just in time to see Gryffindor seeker Katie Bell score a goal, making the game 20-0 in favor of Gryffindor. Kevin groaned, this brought more grumbles from Ernie.

 

                   ***

 

    "I've got a large bet ridding on this game," Azkaban told Lily as he watched Alicia Spinet score yet another goal for Gryffindor.
    Lily looked anxious about something, she fingered a small object in her pocket, Azkaban's voice brought her back to the present. "Oh, well, yes, I suppose you will win, Gryffindor is up."
     Azkaban favored Lily with a small grin, "I didn't bet on Gryffindor."
    "But they are 70 points ahead, aren't you worried?"
    "You'll see"
    Lily didn't have to wait long, a few seconds after he said it the Hufflepuff Goal Posts burst into flames, followed by Azkaban's insane laughter.
    "But how can Gryffindor score if Hufflepuff lost their goal?"
    He burst into more maniacal laughter.
    As Azaban's laughter died down, Lily spoke again, "the snitch?"
    He favored her with another small grin. As she looked back to the game, the Golden Snitch burst into flames and incinerated instantly, Azkaban was positively howling with glee.
    "They will call the game, surely," Lily spoke confidently.
    Hermione reached down from the row above them and put a Quidditch Rule book under her nose.
    "They won't call the game for something so minor," she said to them, "Quidditch matches have been played through earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, and bloody coups, haven't you read ‘Quidditch: A History'?"

 

                             ***
    "Of course, I was going to be on the Gryffindor Quidditch team," Vagrant was telling all the Gryffindor girls who would listen, "but I didn't want to risk the old money maker." Vagrant smiled at them, showing his even white teeth, to make sure they knew exactly what he meant.
    "So noble," Lavender sighed.
    "Saving the smile for posterity," Parvati smiled at him.
    "I do try," said Vagrant.
    Bella, visibly distressed with the way the conversation was going, cleared her throat. Vagrant looked at her.
    "So, erm, what do you think of this Quidditch match? Isn't this fraud terrible? It's going to cost us the Quidditch Cup."
    Vagrant smiled at her, "who cares? I'm good looking."
             
                         ***
    Draco and his gang of Slytherin's made there way toward the Gryffindor area of the stands, no doubt to gloat, for the Gryffindor team had just announced their forfeiture of the match.
    "I wonder why potter had so much trouble catching the snitch?" draco grinned.
    "Maybe he just isn't any good!" Pansy shrieked.
    Ron, and Hermione stood up.
    "We were 70 points up, you cheaters!" yelled Ron.
    "Setting the goal on fire, really witty," said Hermione sarcastically.
    "We didn't touch anything," draco sneered, "the wood must have been dry, and in this heat," he sighed.
    Big G suddenly caught Pansy's eye. She hadn't even looked up. Pansy walked over and ripped the picture of Jester out of her hand. "Who's this, your wife?"
    "Give that back!" Big G yelled.
    Pansy laughed and ripped the picture in half.
    The next thing that anyone saw was a curse that hit Draco on the side of the head. Harry Potter was running up the stands, closely followed by Fred, and George.
    "Nasty, cheating scum," Fred could be heard muttering, but no one was paying them much attention, Big G had just leap to her feet and dived at Pansy knocking her to the ground. Pansy yelped in pain as they rolled around on the floor, Harry, Fred, and George had crossed the distance and now added themselves to the fray. Ron quickly Joined in, ("Oh he's so brave," said Weasley).

 

                                ***
    Across the Quidditch stadium Dumbledore was watching the chaos spread further down the stands, and even spilling out onto the pitch. Mcgonagol leaned across and whispered in his ear, "shouldn't we do something?"
    Dumbledore shook his head, "anh! I'm off the clock!"
 
                           ***
    DanFan and Weasley were leaning up against the castle wall enjoying a slight breeze that was playing across the lake.
    "Some match, eh," Weasley commented lazily.
    "Mmm," DanFan replied with a noncommital mutter. She glanced around at the Hogwarts grounds, the sun was setting, then out of the corner of her eye she spotted a boy walking over to them. It was Neville.
    "Ahm, DanFan," Neville said, "can we talk?"
    "All right," DanFan agreed.
    "Well, the ball is at the end up the month," as I suppose you know. She nodded. "And, I was just wondering, if you're not going with anyone, maybe . . . "
    At this Weasley started laughing.
    Neville, perhaps because his courage was waning, blurted the rest out, "Will you go the ball with me?"
    Weasley burst out hysterically in laughter, "Oh, My, God," she said clutching her side, "tooo funny."
    Neville took one look at Weasley's face, tears started welling up in his eyes, and he turned around and ran, to more hysterical laughter from Weasley.
    DanFan gave Weasley a severe look, "Weasley that's not nice . . .  what if he drowns himself?"
    Weasley laughed long into the night.

 

                 ***
    A roaring fire blazed in Gryffindor common room. A small group of girls could be seen sitting on the carpet before it.
    "Let me see the ring again," Victoria asked lily.
    Lily gave a small laugh and extended her hand to Victoria, trying to catch the light in the diamond, "isn't it beautiful?"
    "Very pretty . . . ," Victoria put on a pained smile, "you hardly ever see those on men."
    Lily held the ring up with the twisting flames of the fire in the back round, "Bella, Hermione, so what do you think?"
    Both girls nodded their approval.
    Hermione, who had been working on a potion's essay returned it to her bag, "can you believe the ball is less than two weeks away?" This last sentence was overheard by lavender and Parvati who had been walking past.
    "Anyone have dates yet?", lavender asked in a slightly breathless tone.
    Victoria shrugged, "Azkaban seems nice."
    "Haven't you been listening to anything?" Lily sounded shocked.
    Victoria shrugged again, "from who?"
    "What about vagrant?" Bella said in an apprehensive voice, and immediately wished she hadn't at the squeals of delight from the other girls.
    "What about Kevin?" Hermione supplied.
    The other girls spoke in unison, "who?" 

 

 

 

Chapter  2 

 

                    ***  

 

    Kevin walked into potions class, and took a seat in the back. He was a few minutes early. Ever since his unfortunate first meeting with Snape, he was eager to make a better impression. The class started filling in around him. Weasley, and DanFan took a seat at the same table as him. Bella walked in and took a seat directly in front of Snape's desk, looking eager to begin. Hermione, Harry, and Ron took a table by themselves in a corner of the room. Lily and Victoria sat down at the table directly behind his. Kevin missed the arrival of the rest of the class. Lily leaned forward and engaged him in conversation.
    "Can I talk to you?" she asked earnestly, "I need advice about Azkaban."
    "Well, sure," he said, taken aback at the seriousness in her voice.
    The door swung open. The class abruptly dropped all conversations as Professor Snape walked into the class room.
    Weasley gave Snape a smile, and a little wave. He looked around at the class, "the first lesson of the year," he smiled a cold malevolent smile, "a time to get to know each other. To make first impressions." His eyes flashed dangerously.
    Snape took out his wand and gave it a flick, a list of ingredients appeared on the board. "Can anyone tell me what these ingredients, when properly brewed, create?", his tone was skeptical as if he doubted anyone was equal to the task.
    Bella, and Hermione raised their hands simultaneously. Snape looked down at bella seated in front of him, "yes?"
    "When properly brewed, these ingredients create a blond hair dye," bella said immediately.
    Kevin could hear Hermione muttering from the other side of the room. "Suck up!", she hissed in a whisper that nonetheless carried to his ears.
    Snape merely grunted to bella, "you have 40 minutes," he said to the class as a whole.
    "Ingredient number one, essence of Mutare," Kevin read out loud from the board.
    Weasley gave him a blank look, "what's a Mutare."
    "I don't know."
    "DanFan pulled a large book out of her bag and placed it on the table, "I think it's like a volcanic lizard, hold on, let me check."
    Lily leaned forward, ready to resume their conversation, "how do I make Azkaban fall in love with me?"
    "Magic?" Weasley suggested.
    "No!", Lily grimaced. "I want him to really love me."
    Weasley shrugged, Kevin shook his head. "I'm all out of ideas."
    "...Sexually attracted to fire . . . ," came DanFan's monotonous voice.
    "What?", Lily gasped, "Azkaban?"
    "No, no," DanFan absentmindedly corrected, "the lizard."
    Kevin looked over to her, her nose was still In the book, "the Mutare!"
    "Yes . . . "
    Snape's voice rang out in the room, "time is up, your potion should be a brilliant yellow, place a flask on my desk for grading. He walked over to Kevin's table, "lets see yours."
    Kevin glanced inside his cauldron, it was empty.
    "An invisible potion," he commented wryly, "extra marks!" Snape walked away.
    Kevin let out a sigh of relief, "whew, I thought I was done for."
    Weasley smiled, "No, man, he was messing with you. You failed."
   
                            ***

 

    As Snape dismissed the class there was a rush to the doors, it had been a particularly nasty lesson and the students were eager to get out as quickly as possible. Bella was left alone standing beside her cauldron. Even Snape left quickly, perhaps in disgust at his new crop of students for this year. As unpleasant as Snape came across, she could hardly blame him if the former was true. Bella had heard a kid in the back of the class hadn't even made a potion at all. She shuddered at the very thought.
    Now that her potion was finished bella moved at a leisurely pace, lazily cleaning up her work area. She looked at the mass of bubbling yellow potion. Bella withdrew her wand from her bag, intending to get rid of the excess potion but stopped her hand at waist height and held it. Her mind raced, she saw Vagrants smiling face, and remembered the covetous looks he had received from Parvati, Lavender, and Hermione. Bella returned her wand to her bag, and withdrew a large glass vial.      

 

                            ***

 

    A blonde haired bella walked up to Vagrant. "Will you go to the Ball with me?" she asked.
    Vagrant looked at bella's long beautiful blonde hair, "of course."

 

                        ***   

 

    Vagrant had to stop by Gryffindor common room to comb his hair, so he arrived into his next class, history of magic, late. He walked in and took a seat, not disturbing the oblivious professor Binns in the least. The class room was filled with Hufflepuffs, and Gryffindors. Professor Binns continued on, his lecture uninterrupted.
    "Legend tells us of an extraordinary place located within the forbidden forest: ‘The Fountain of King Osric'. Accounts from people who claimed to have reached it vary greatly. Some say it is a fountain of youth."
    Amazing lifted her head up off her elbow, and listened more intently.
    "Some say in its waters contains a powerful love potion," Binns continued.
    DanFan, and Weasley both put on nearly identical thoughtful expressions.
    "Some say its treasure is knowledge."
    Hermione's eyes went wide.
    "The only thing all accounts agree upon is that you can see your reflection in it's shimmering crystal waters."
    Vagrant blinked.
    "Or perhaps it never existed at all," Binns drowned on, "there are some who claim it was merely a convenient plot device."
    Kevin raised an eyebrow. 
    Bella raised her hand, "Professor, what does this have to do with history of magic?"
    "I suppose it doesn't," Professor Binns said mildly.      
          
                           ***

 

    Vagrant, Bella, and Hermione stood with their backs against the wall in the entrance hall.
    "Tonight," Vagrant said.
    "Students aren't allowed in the forest," Bella said cautiously.
    Vagrant shrugged, "no one would know."
    "They might find out," Bella continued reasonably.
    Hermione sighed, "Bella, you're such a goody-goody."
    "Fine!" snapped Bella, "but when you two get expelled don't expect me to feel sorry for you!" She turned away and walked into the great hall.
    "Tonight?" Hermione asked unruffled.
    "Tonight." Vagrant confirmed.
    Amazing stepped out of the shadows, "I'm coming too, I need that fountain of youth."
    "How old are you?" Hermione asked.
    At the same time as Vagrant said, "why are you still at Hogwarts?"
    Amazing answered casually, "food's good."

 

                    ***
    Weasley glanced over to Kevin and DanFan, "we going?"
    "Of course," said Kevin matter of fact. 
    DanFan looked out the window, "better wait until dark though."
  
                 ***

 

    Hermione crept quietly through a pitch black castle followed closely by Vagrant.
    "Vagrant," said Hermione with a hint of playfulness in her voice. "Don't make so much noise, filch will catch us."
    Vagrant chuckled, "that old bat?" he said derisively, "here's what I think of him. Vagrant started whistling loudly.
    They continued walking down the hall to Vagrants music.
    A loud creak echoed through the night.
    Vagrant stopped whistling, they looked ahead to a large stair case. Footsteps could be heard coming down. Hermione looked around quickly for a place to hide but it was too late, a hooded figure walked down, and into sight.
    Vagrant and Hermione froze and looked into the shadowed depths of its face. The figure lowered its hood.
    "Azkaban," Vagrant said as if had known all along.
    "And Lily," Hermione said to another person who had just come into view behind Azkaban.
    "The fountain of King Osric?" Azkaban asked suspiciously.
    Vagrant, and Hermione continued walked down the hall they grunted in answer to his question.
    Azkaban and Lily filed in behind them, they all continued into the entrance hall.
    Lily reached the door first, slightly ahead of the group, and started easing it open but was called back by a gruff voice that rang out behind them.
    "Out of bed after hours!"
    They turned around startled. Filch was walking toward them with his arms crossed in front of his chest. He halted uncomfortably close to the group.
    "You know the price!" he roared.
    "Detention," muttered Lily resignedly.
    Vagrant laughed, "no, no," he said to the group. "I got this one." Vagrant reached into his pocket and pulled out a galleon and slapped it into filches hand.
    Filch clapped Vagrant on the shoulder, "thank you, my good man." Filch turned around and walked back up the entrance hall.
 
                         ***

 

    Kevin, DanFan, and Weasley stumbled through the pitch black forest.
    "We're never going to find it," DanFan complained.
    "Pfft," said Weasley, "we might find it eventually."
    Their path was blocked by a large hedge. Kevin pushed through it. On the other side was a huge pond.
    "Oh, there it is," Kevin commented when she saw the shimmering waters.
    "That's lucky," said DanFan.
    Weasley bent down before the Fountain, "So it is."
    A loud crash echoed behind them, they all turned around. Vagrant, Amazing and Hermione walked through the hedges, followed by Lily and Azkaban.
    "So you're all here too?" Azkaban said walking up to the edge of the waters.
    "The Fountain of King Osric." Hermione said in an awed voice.
    "What does it . . . ah . . .  what does it do?" Kevin asked the group.
    "Someone jump in," said Weasley.
    DanFan sighed, "I'm good."
    Vagrant moved forward and kneeled down to the edge of the fountain and looked into the pearly depths. It was impossible to tell how deep the water went. The surface was impenetrable, all vagrant could see was his own reflection staring back at him. He smiled down.
    "Why, Hello," Vagrant said softly. He bent down farther trying to peer past his own face into the deep recesses. Suddenly he over balanced himself, his feet lifted off the ground and he went crashing into the fountain.
    A few seconds later Vagrant was gone. There had been no splash, the water was still quite smooth and there were no ripples.
    "Hmmm," Lily grunted.
    "Is he dead?" said Hermione sounding shocked.
    "I suppose," Azkaban shrugged.
    "Oh, that sucks," said Kevin dryly.
    A few seconds of silence followed.
    Weasley finally spoke up "we can't tell anyone! We aren't even supposed to be here."
    "I think they might notice he's gone," Kevin said conversationally.
    Weasley slapped Kevin, "get a grip on yourself!"
    "Panicking isn't going to help anything," DanFan spoke up.
    Azkaban grunted, "he came at us with a knife! You saw it! You saw it, didn't you?!"
    "Oh, shut up," muttered Amazing.
    "All right lets go," said Kevin as he turned his back on the fountain, "unless anyone else wants to go for a dip?"
    Lily stepped in front of Kevin, "but what will we say if anyone asks where Vagrant is?"
    "Hmm?" said Kevin distractedly. "Oh, just say Vagrant is combing his hair."
    Everyone nodded their consent.

 

                            ***

 

    It had been well past midnight when Kevin had gotten back and finally asleep. He woke up late the next morning and came down to lunch. Kevin opened the door to an explosion of noise. He sat down at the end of the Hufflepuff table next to Weasley and DanFan.
    "The ball is tonight," Weasley commented to him excitedly.
    "Oh," said Kevin just remembering, "that's right, it is."
    "I only have a few hours to woo Ron . . . ," she went on, "What should I do?"
    DanFan turned to him too, "and Harry, he doesn't even know I exist."
    Kevin loaded his plate with fried chicken. He started eating.
    "Maybe we should try to slut it up a little," Weasley pondered.
    "Hmmm," DanFan pondered along side her.
    Kevin was struck by sudden inspiration. "Hey," he pointed to the opposite side of the room, "Is that Brad Pitt?"
    Weasley and DanFan looked where he had pointed. Quickly and carefully he plucked a few hairs from Weasley's head. 
    Her neck snapped back around, "what . . . ?
    Kevin glanced toward Ernie across the table, "that guys nuts he whispered."
    Weasley turned her gaze toward an oblivious Ernie for a few seconds then turned back to Kevin, "Brad Pitt?"
    "Oh," said Kevin feigning surprise, "must not have been him." They returned to eating.
     Struck by further inspiration he again pointed across the room, "Hey, Tom Cruise."
    Both girl's again turned around and Kevin deftly plucked a few hairs from DanFan's head.
    DanFan turned back around and gave him a look rubbing her head.
    Kevin glanced back at Ernie, "that guy, he's got problems, maybe you should hit em."
    Weasley and DanFan both started glaring at Ernie who had just become aware of their presence
     "Well, I had best be going," Kevin stood up and hurried away. As he reached the door, he could hear shouting coming back from the Hufflepuff table.
    Kevin Hurried down to the dungeons. Snape's Office was locked, so he ran up to Filches Closet and found a crowbar. Shortly after he was inside Snape's office looking through a collection of glass vials.
    He started reading the labels. He tossed a slug repellent vial over his shoulder, "no," he thought. He equally rejected another that contained dragon repellent, and two more that both contained industrial poison. He kept looking and came across one for devil beard growth enhancement, Kevin pocketed that one.
    A few minuets later he came across what was truly looking for, an extra strength love potion.

 

                           ***

 

    Harry and Ron were standing outside the doors to the Great Hall.
    "What should we do today?" Ron asked Harry.
    Harry shook his head, "I don't know."
    Suddenly a cloaked and hooded figure ran at them from out of the shadows, before either Ron or Harry could move the black robbed figure had taken out two glass vial's and jammed one of them down each boy's throat.
    "Oh my god!" Ron sputtered choking on the liquid.
    "I think I swallowed the glass container," Harry gasped.
    "What was that?!"   

 

                         ***

 

    Bella sat in front of the mirror flashing her long luxurious blonde hair in Gryffindor girls' dormitory. She was excited, the ball, and her date with Vagrant was only 20 minutes away. Bella decided it was time to go. She hurried down the staircase, out of the common room and down to the Great Hall.

 

                         ***

 

    Kevin arrived at the ball. In the center of the dance floor he spotted Lily doing a two step with Azkaban. Weasley and DanFan both winked at him over the shoulders of their dates, Ron and Harry respectively. Kevin even spotted Skrewt doing an erratic dance with a kid who looked distinctly Mexican.
    He walked over to a table at the far end of the hall. He sat down and looked around. Seated around him were Big G, Victoria, Neville, Ernie, and Bella.
    "Have you seen Vagrant," Bella asked him anxiously, "he's not here yet."
    "Oh," said Kevin remembering the agreed upon alibi from the night before, "he's combing his hair, I'm sure he'll be here soon."
    Bella looked a little relieved and nodded.
    "I wish Jester was here," Big G said sadly.
    "Maybe you should dance with someone to take your mind off him," Kevin suggested helpfully.
    "Perhaps," Big G said slowly, "the right guy."
    Kevin turned back and looked at Neville and dragged him to his feet, "you two should dance."
    Big G grimaced, "No!"
    Kevin reached into his pocket and pulled out another glass vial filled with a potion. He reached over and yanked a few hairs out of Neville's head, and extended the potion to Big G. "Drink," he said.
    She looked at the potion apprehensively, "I don't think . . . ," but she was cut off as Kevin forced her head back and made her swallow.
    Big G blinked a few times then took Neville by the hand and led him to the dance floor. Victoria seemed startled, and a little frightened.
    Kevin turned to her, then spotted Ernie. "Victoria," he nodded toward Ernie.
    Victoria shook her head, but as Kevin withdrew another glass vial she hastily gave in, "all right, all right, I'll dance." Ernie and Victoria followed Big G and Neville to the dance floor.
    In all his infinite wisdom Kevin finally realized something, he had forgotten to bag himself a date to the Ball. Suddenly from the corner of his eye he spotted Tyra Banks standing near the punch bowl.
    Kevin turned to bella, "Oh my god, its Tyra Banks!" he said.
    Bella muttered.
    Kevin stood up and walked over to the punch bowl leaving bella sitting by herself.
    Bella wondered where Vagrant was, she was starting to get angry and a little sad. Had Vagrant stood her up? She looked around at all the happy couples, her eyes stopped on Lily and Azkaban. Lily had just dipped Azkaban, to awes from everyone watching. The pair of them left not long after that, leaving through the main doors in the great hall. 
    After a few minutes, Kevin rejoined her.
    "Where's Tyra Banks?" she asked
    "Who?" said Kevin.
    "Tyra Banks, the woman near the punch bowl."
    "Oh," said Kevin apprehensively, "it . . . ah . . . wasn't her."
    "Oh"
    A few more minutes passed in silence.
    "He's not coming!" Bella finally shouted and ran out of the Great Hall.
    Kevin grunted. He thought he should tell her what really happened, he headed out of the Hall after her. Weasley and DanFan shouted to him, but he didn't hear what they said nor did he stop.

 

                      ***

 

    Kevin shut the doors behind him and looked around to see where bella had went. He caught a sight of her back as she ran into a corridor on the right. He ran after her, eager to not lose her direction. Bella ran through the castle with Kevin in pursuit and finally took a turn into the astronomy tower.
    Kevin, knowing that it was a dead end, stopped a few seconds to recover himself. He heard footsteps behind him and turned around. Weasley, DanFan, Harry, Ron, Victoria, and Ernie had all just turned the corner and had come into view.
    Victoria spoke first, "have you told Bella anything yet?"
    "No, but we should."
    Everyone nodded and followed Kevin up the stairs.
    It was a cool night, with a slight breeze coming in from across the lake. The cloudy sky hinted that a storm was coming. Three people were standing on top of the tower, leaning up against the ramparts.
    Azkaban and Lily were standing huddled together along one side of the parapet, and Bella was standing gazing out at the Hogwarts countryside opposite them.
    Lily was holding a ring in her hand, she quickly moved it into her pocket at the new arrival of so many people, and grimaced.
    The crowd moved over to bella. She turned around and they decided to tell her without preamble.
    Victoria started the story, and DanFan finished it.
    Bella's _expression changed from sadness, to concern, to pure anger in the course of a few minutes.
    "Dead?" bella's nostrils flared.
    No one spoke for a few minuets, Ernie took it upon himself to respond, "yes," he said finally.
    Bella's hand twitched, then without warning she withdrew her wand and blasted Ernie, her curse striking between his eyes. Ernie's limp form crashed to the ground.
    "Bella . . . ," DanFan began but was halted as another curse fired from Bella's wand took her in the chest.
    The group started diving to the ground.
    "Killing is wrong," Kevin said in a diplomatic tone.
    Bella raised her wand and fired off another curse, this one hitting Azkaban in the neck. "Everyone dies!" she roared, "Stop procrastinating!"
    The door to the top of the Astronomy tower burst open. Dumbledore stood in the doorway, wand in hand.
    "Killing my students, young bella," he said calmly, "this I can't allow."
    "Your powers are weak, old man!" Bella spoke harshly.
    Jets of light were exchanged with deadly efficiency as Dumbledore and Bella faced off. The sky finally broke open in a torrent of rain, and thunder. Lightening cracked over head just as Dumbledore and Bella clashed on the top of the world . . .

 

                          ***

 

    Bella stood up and turned off the Televison, "Based on a true story my arse!" she said. "Pfft! I was there, and that ain't how it happened!" She looked around at the room. The entire cast was looking back at her from cushy chairs and couches.
    "I hear you, cos," Vagrant told her as he reclined on his black couch, eating popcorn. "That story makes me out to be vain!"
    "Mmmm," DanFan muttered.
    "...The Nerve," said Victoria.
    "Wait!" said Weasley confused, "it was a television show?"
    "I suppose," Lily shrugged.
    "Mmmm," Kevin muttered.
    "Are we getting a percentage in royalties for this?" Azkaban said greedily.
    "What's 10% of zero?" Amazing asked him.
    There was a few seconds of silence.
    Kevin sat up in his arm chair, "I could get the calculator," he offered
    "No . . .  that's all right."
    Bella cursed, "Gah, we should have got Spielberg."  

 

                                    The end

 

                               --Authors note
    Yeah, it was a television show. You want to fight about it?

 

                                 Please review.