Wasp’s Fanfic

Foreward: I used to be a real Mugglenet regular (see Gabby’s shrine to me) but I hadn’t been to Mugglenet for three months when I popped in on January 4^th. I was surprised to see that I was still immensely popular among just about everyone (can you blame them?) but I was equally surprised when I visited Gabby’s website and found I had not been included in a single fanfic. So I decided to write my own, partially to explain my three month absence, partially to pay homage to slash poke fun at my many Mugglenet pals, and partially to make myself a star. It’s sort of a soap opera, based real experiences, fictional ones, and ones I wish were real but probably aren’t. Forgive me, but I’m drawing some of my love lines from Kevin’s (which by the way was hilarious, Kev). And now, my masterpiece, entitled ‘Wasp’s Fanfic’.

Episode 1: Introductions

WimbourneWasp stood tapping her feet as the staircase changed below her feet for the third time. She was hopelessly lost and with no one to guide her to Gryffindor Tower.

            “Dumbledore ought to have known this would happen,” she mumbled to herself as she climbed higher. She had just come from his office after having been sorted in silence only minutes before. “I suppose it’s what I get for starting late.” It had been exactly one month since the start of term, and Wasp was sure no one would want the new kid tagging along. She had been in Italy for the past three months taking care of a little business, and was by now used to having three or four of her henchmen everywhere she went. “What didn’t that old man understand about ‘Mafia Princess’?” As she stood on the seemingly endless staircase with her wand in hand, she felt very lost indeed.

            “Oi! Who’re you?” came a voice suddenly behind her, and Wasp jumped as two figures came toward her in Gryffindor robes. Rather than walking up the stairs they were sort of… bounding.

            “I’m WimbourneWasp,” Wasp answered, watching them bounce.

            “Gah, that’s a mouthful,” said one. “I’m AmazingBouncingFerret, and I think I’ll call you Wim.” The Wasp was about to comment on the length of her name, but was cut off by the other.

            “I prefer Waspeh,” said the other. “And I’m Liz.”

            “Nice to meet you,” said Wasp, frowning slightly at her nicknames.

            “Hey, you’re a Gryffindor,” said the one called Liz, jabbing at Wasp’s robes. “Why haven’t I seen you around?”

            “Well, it’s a long story, but I can’t find the common room and—“

            “Oh, we’re heading that way, and we don’t have time for long stories,” said ABF. “Follow us.”

*   *   *

“Well, here you are,” said ABF as they entered the portrait hole. Wasp looked around at the common room which was abuzz with chatter.

“Hiya DanFan,” said Liz to a girl with brown hair and eyes. “Look what we found,” she said, pointing at Wasp. “She’s been wandering around the staircases for a month unable to find the common room.”

“Well, that’s not exactly—“

“Nice meeting you, Waspeh. See you later,” said Liz as she and ABF disappeared into the crowd. The girl they had called DanFan was standing with one eyebrow cocked.

“You weren’t really lost for a month, were you?” she asked.

“No, I was actually in Italy on—“

“Hey, DanFan, over here!” called a table full of people in a corner. Wasp followed her to the table and was introduced to a number of other Gryffindors.

“I’m VictoriaG,” said dark haired girl who Wasp reckoned also had Mafia ties.

“BellaLestrange,” said a brown-haired girl as she looked up from her book.

“The names’s Craftyhpfan,” said a light-haired girl who was boredly snapping numerous quills in half.

“I’m Ethan, and this is Eden,” said one boy as he introduced Wasp to a short-haired girl, which Wasp found rather confusing.

“No one is paying any attention to me,” cried a girl named Luna.

Another girl named WeasleyismyKing pointed out a dark-haired boy named KevinisZeus who was trying to explain pump shot guns to another very attractive boy called VagrantSirius.

“No, Vagrant, you don’t get it. You have to pump it every time.”

“That sounds like a lot of work,” remarked Vagrant distantly, flashing his teeth at a group of studying third years at another table. “And besides, I don’t think camo really suits me.”

“I’d just go for a flamethrower, Kevin,” commented another boy named AzkabanSirius. 

As Wasp was introduced, she found herself acquiring several nicknames.

“WimbourneWasp? That’s far too long. I’ll call you WW.”

“I think Wasp is better.”

“Or maybe Waspie.”

“What about Wim?”

“I’m partial to Wimbourne.”

            Wasp sat down sleepily and munched a chocolate frog. As Kevin attempted to explained shells, she nodded off. 

*   *   *

The next morning at breakfast, Wasp took a seat next to DanFan and VicG, across from Kevin and Vagrant, who were working on what looked like some sort of petition.

“Lucky you came on a Friday,” remarked DanFan. “Gives you two days to get situated before classes.”

“Yeah, I suppose,” said Wasp looking around at the many other students. She had a good view of the Slytherin table, which seemed largely overpopulated with weird names.

“That’s Buckbeak,” said VicG, “he’s completely off it. And that’s Crazy. He’s… well nevermind. That one drooling is Snogs4Snape, and that’s SlytherinKitty, who, I’m not sure, but she might actually be a cat.”

“Who’s that?” asked Wasp, pointing at a dark skinned girl who was talking animatedly with hand motions that looked like she was strangling someone.

“That’s Lakeisha. You don’t want to cross her, she’s about the only gangsta in the whole school.”

“Hmmm…” thought Wasp, making a mental note and wondering if Lakeisha had any backup. “What about that one?” she asked, pointing to a pretty girl with dark hair.

“Oh, that’s GabriellePotter-Malfoy,” said DanFan with an indiscernible look. “She talks more than everyone here, which makes her better than everyone as well.”

“I see,” said Wasp, who didn’t really see at all.

“She’s also crazy rich, lives in a castle, or so they say. I’m not sure they even have castles in Texas. That girl with her is Narcissa_M, her little sidekick, and that guy with them is Caleb, who might be some sort of rabbit or something.”

A girl in robes that were half scarlet and half emerald bumped past the table, spilling orange juice all over BellaL’s book bag.

“Slyff, look what you’ve done!” shouted BellaL as she emptied the sopping contents of her bag onto the table.

“That’s Slyffindor22. I think she might be schizophrenic,” explained DanFan as she and Wasp helped BellaL with her things. Wasp found a very shiny badge with “BELLA LESTRANGE” printed on it, and couldn’t help pocketing it.

Episode 2: The Library

“You really don’t have to come with us to the library if you don’t want to, Wim,” said VicG as the majority of the Gryffindors headed to the library. “I mean, you don’t have the potions essay yet, so you might just explore the grounds.”

“It’s okay, I’ll just explore the library,” replied Wasp. In reality, Wasp found libraries a bit stuffy and boring, and a little too quiet for her taste, but she felt she’d rather stick with her friends than wander around the grounds.

As they entered the library, Wasp was immediately drawn to a sign that read “RESTRICTED SECTION” and bid her friends adieu as she left to investigate. There was a sort of gate which she supposed was meant to keep students from entering, and she had just removed her wand and was preparing to open it when a voice caught her from behind.

“Naughty, naughty,” said a very motherly voice, and Wasp turned to see a woman much too old to be a student at the school. Wasp even reckoned she had children. “That’s the restricted section, not for wittle bitty students.” Wasp grimaced at her overly motherly baby talk. “I fink I will have to write our wittle twouble maker up for—“

“That won’t be necessary, GolfMomma,” came another, much younger, and much less cooey-gooey voice. “I’ll handle it.”

“Oh, Peevesie-Weevisie, you always spoil my fun,” said GolfMomma in her horrible voice. “Well, I suppose I will have to leave this one to you. I’ll be watching you, wittle twouble maker,” she added, shaking a finger at Wasp, who grimaced.

“Sorry about her she… has children,” said the student who Wasp guessed must be a prefect. “I’m PetPeeves, but my fans call me BestModEver.”

“Nice to meet you,” said Wasp, shaking her hand. “And thanks for that. I’m WimbourneWasp.”

“Anytime, Wimbourne. Just make me a fan badge or something. It was no problem.” Wasp smiled as the prefect walked out of sight.

Wasp decided to give up on the restricted section for now, and took off down a row containing books on magical herbs and fungi. A few rows down she came to a group of people who had overturned a table and were standing on it, wearing funny hats and speaking in strange accents.

“That be Captain Ethel to you, you lousy scum!” roared the one with the biggest hat. “And mind those sails, Mr. Pickles!”

“Aye Captain!” called one who was perched on a chair. “Captain Black, I think I’ve spotted land!”

“AYE!” shouted a third, who Wasp recognized as LadyBlack. “We ought to be rid of the prisoner!” The one called Pickles walked over to another student who was standing on a different chair, apparently under a body bind.

“Off you go, PiercedTeddyBear!” Pickles shouted as he pushed the student over, who fell with a thud to the floor. Wasp decided she had had enough of this bunch, and strolled further down the aisle.

She came to another collection of tables with only one occupant, who was sleeping. Wasp could only make out the back of her head, which was covered in dark hair. She couldn’t help but get a closer look. As she rounded the table, Wasp recognized the girl as GabriellePotter-Malfoy. It was an opportunity too good to resist.

Wasp felt inside her pockets. She found a piece of parchment, which she hastily discarded. She pulled out the “BELLA LESTRANGE” badge, which she absently pinned to the front of her robes. And last she pulled out a black felt-tipped marker.

“Good enough,” said Wasp to herself as she uncapped the marker. GabriellePotter-Malfoy gave a large grunt but did not open her eyes as Wasp carefully drew a large handlebar mustache above her lip. Just as Wasp was returning the marker to her pocket and about to slip away, her eyes suddenly flashed open, and she stared somewhat sleepily at Wasp.

“Who’re you?” she asked in a sleepy voice.

“I’m… well, it depends who you ask, I seem to have acquired several nicknames, but—“

“Oh! Bella, I didn’t recognize you in this light,” she said eyeing Wasp’s nametag. “I’ve been meaning to tell you—but you really mustn’t tell anyone else—I’m in love with Director.”

“You’re… what now?” said Wasp, taken aback by her mistaken identity.

“Say, have you gotten shorter or something, Bella? You look a little different…”

“Look, Director!” Wasp said, pointing, and vanished behind a bookcase.

*   *   *

“That was a bit of a close one,” thought Wasp to herself as she made her way back to the Gryffindors. She looked over her shoulder to see if anyone was following her, and ran smack into another student, knocking both of them down.

“Sorry about tha—“ Wasp gave a little squeak as she looked straight up into the face of Lakeisha.

“Ooh, this fool be tryin’ ta dis Lakeisha y’all,” said Lakeisha in a loud voice, as if she was speaking to a crowd.

“Umm, no I was—I was just—“

“Y’all know I ain’ gonna stand fo’ no little white Gryffindor all up in my grill,” said Lakeisha, seizing the front of Wasp’s robes and lifting her off the ground.

“I don’t really think—honestly, I was—“

“Hands off, Lakeisha,” said a voice from behind. Wasp tried to turn and see who it was and, in the process, wrenched her robes free and crashed to the floor.

“I don’ need you tellin’ me what ta do, Potter-Malfoy,” said Lakeisha in a menacing tone. Wasp gave a second sqeak as she realized the second voice was a de-mustached GabriellePotter-Malfoy.

“Anytime, Lakeisha,” she responded, taking a step forward.

“I ain’ got time fo’ dis hater,” said Lakeisha as she stormed off.

Wasp had gotten to her feet by this time and was trying to think of a way to spin the situation in her favor. “Good thing she took off, or you might have had to take her…” said Wasp, edging down the bookcase. “I’ll just be—“

“Who are you, really?” she asked, eyeing Wasp with an expression she couldn’t read.

“Well I’m… I’m WimbourneWasp and… I’m a Mafia Princess so—“

“Well Waspy, you have a habbit or biting off more than you can chew, it seems to me. I’m GabriellePotter-Malfoy, but my friends call me Gabby, and Kevin calls me Big G, but don’t ever call me that or I’ll have to hurt you.” Wasp quickly turned what was going to be a laugh into a cough.

“Well, er… sorry about that whole BellaL mix-up, but I won’t tell anyone about Director—“

“Director? I’m so over him. It’s Jester I love now,” Gabby said in a dreamy voice. Wasp raised an eyebrow. “Come on, let’s go find Bella, I have to tell her.” Surprised by her luck, Wasp followed Gabby back to the table. As Gabby immersed herself in conversation with BellaL, Wasp took a seat and was immediately confronted by Vagrant.

“Wasp, you know Kevin, right?” he asked, showing off his brilliantly white teeth.

“Yeah,” said Wasp suspiciously.

“Well, he and I are working on a little project, see, and we were wondering if you might like to participate.”

“What sort of a project?” Wasp asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, the details of it are quite boring, really, but I’m sure you’d be interested. Just sign here,” he added, flashing his teeth again. Perhaps because she wasn’t thinking clearly or perhaps because she was temporarily blinded by those teeth, but whatever the reason, Wasp signed the form. “Pleasure doing business with you,” he said, and walked off.

“What was that about?” asked DanFan, joining Wasp at the table.

“Not sure,” replied Wasp, who had to blink several times to get the spots out of her eyes.

Episode 3: Courting for the Ball

At dinner, everyone was talking about the ball that would take place at the end of the month.

“I’m taking Harry Potter, as soon as I get the nerve to ask him,” DanFan was telling anyone who would listen.

 “I’ve already asked Az,” said Lily_Potter.

“I’m going to ask everyone,” said Dobby.

“I think I’ll go with my bunneh Caleb,” chimed Gabby, who was visiting from the Slytherin table.

“What about Jester?” asked Wasp.

“Oh no, he’s—“

“In Nam,” Kevin interrupted.

“I’m going with Jeremy!” shrieked dannygurl.

“Would you believe that none of my husbands can make it?” asked WeasleyismyKing.

“My teeth itch,” remarked ABF.

“Is that even possible?” asked Slyffindor.

“If they’re wearing sweaters,” commented Wasp.

“Or jumpers, as we British call them,” said Ethel.

“I’m taking Enrique,” said Skrewt loudly.

“I’m going with Crazy,” announced halfblood.

“I think I’m going to ask Professor Snape,” said Snogs4Snape.

“Is that even legal?” asked hermypotter.

“It is in Virginia,” said Kevin.

“And what about you Wim?” asked VicG.

“Oh, I dunno, I haven’t really thought about it,” replied Wasp. “Who still doesn’t have anyone to go with?”

“Kevin,” answered VicG. “And Ethan. And maybe PTB, but I don’t know if he’s out of the hospital wing.”

“I wonder if Vagrant’s got anyone to go with,” said BellaL distantly.

“I’d bet that’s a yes,” said DanFan. “But here he comes now, ask him yourself.” Vagrant was looking very smug as he sat down at the Gryffindor table next to BellaL and Kevin.

“I’ll take marmalade on my toast, if you don’t mind, Waspy,” he said with a smile.

“O…kay… and I’m fixing your toast because..?” asked Wasp.

“Oh, just because you signed my little contract, and I basically own your soul now,” replied Vagrant in a nonchalant way.

“What?!” asked Gabby and VicG in unison.

“Oh, Waspy didn’t tell you? She signed my contract in the library, of her own free will, of course. It’s legal and binding, too,” he said, sporting the paper, which Wasp admitted she had signed. “No cream in my coffee, thanks, Wasp,” said Vagrant.

*   *   *

            “We could always just have Vagrant knocked off, Wim,” said VicG as they made their way to Transfiguration.

            “I already thought of that,” said Wasp, “but apparently there is some sort of clause where in the event Vagrant dies the contract just goes to Kevin.”

            “Ugh that’s way worse,” said DanFan.

            “Besides, I wouldn’t want to disappoint all those girls expecting Vagrant to go to the ball with them,” said Wasp.

            “Well, it was rather stupid of you to sign it without reading it,” remarked BellaL.

            “I think I was temporarily blinded,” replied Wasp, blinking. BellaL muttered something indecipherable to herself as they took their seats. The lesson was a slow one, and since they were practicing switching spells, they had a lot of time to talk amongst themselves.

            “Turn my match to a needle for me, Wasp, I’m spent.”

            “Oh stuff it up your arse Vagrant,” said DanFan as Wasp frowned at her own match, which looked embarrassingly like a needle.

            “I’ll do it, Wasp is hopeless,” said BellaL, swishing her wand over Vagrant’s needle, which became a perfect match.

            “Ms. Fan, if you please!” shouted Professor McGonnagal.

            “Professor?” asked DanFan.

            “No, no, I meant the Ms. Fan who currently has a table for a head.” The class turned to see that Eden and Crafty had apparently been having a duel, and that their heads had become a chair and a table, respectively. “Honestly, ladies, if you would apply your transfiguration skills to your needles, you might have matches by now.”

*   *   *

            It was raining, so the Gryffindors took their lunch inside, where they were joined by Gabby.

            “Well, I’ve just asked PTB to the ball,” she announced cheerily to them all.

            “PTB? I thought you were going with Caleb,” said Wasp.

            “Oh, but PTB’s name abbreviates so nicely.” Wasp drowned her chuckles in pumpkin juice.

            “And I don’t suppose you have a date yet, eh Waspy?”

            “Well, no, I don’t, actually.”

            “Don’t be so sure about that, Waspy,” said Vagrant from a few seats down.

            “Oh surely you aren’t going to make WW go to the ball with you?!” said BellaL indignantly.

            “Maybe, unless I get a better offer,” said Vagrant. BellaL hid her face behind ‘History of Magic Level One.’

*   *   *

            As time was running out to find dates to the ball, many girls became frantic. Wasp found herself somewhat grateful for the fact that she couldn’t ask anyone even if she wanted to.

            “I’ve just asked Ethan to the ball!” squealed Eden at dinner. Rumor had it that Luna and Tank were going together, and Wasp even heard through Gabby that Lakeisha was taking someone with an obnoxiously long name who went by CJ2000.

            “And I’m back with Caleb,” Gabby added. “PTB is in no shape to dance, and I just can’t have that.”

            “I’m taking Crafty. She’s been dying to ask me, so I asked me for her,” Kevin told the table.

            “I lost a bet, Kev. Don’t push it,” responded Crafty. Wasp heard ABF was going with PTB and VicG somehow ended up going with Buckbeak. BellaL wouldn’t tell anyone who she was going with, but it leaked out that it was Pickles.